Maybe you shouldn’t have stopped having sex with him. Sex is the only action reserved for couples. You can raise kids with someone else, you can share a bank account with someone else. You can run a company with someone else. You can live with someone else. But sex is the only thing that really separates two individuals from an actual couple. So when you remove that, you kinda remove the core of the thing, so then don’t be surprised when the whole marriage collapses.
You’re not the only one who’s been betrayed. Don’t act like you are special. You’re not. Most people cheat or get cheated on. It’s a big club, and it’s a shitty club, but your incredulousness at the fact you’ve been betrayed is a little sickening. Especially because:
You were once a mistress too. Please don’t act all high and mighty as if such action is beneath you. It’s not. The only thing beneath you was the married man you slept with who was married to someone else. He had a wife and kids just like you do now. I hate to say what goes around comes around but
What goes around comes around.
Marriage isn’t a one and done thing. It’s a living organism, and if you stop tending to it, it will die. Seems to me that you thought once you said I do, you’d done everything you needed to do to wrap that milestone up. Marriage? Check. House? Check. Kids? Check. Wait, but what if you stopped feeding your kids? Just decided that was one part of you being a parent you didn’t really want to deal with anymore? People would think you were a monster. But, you could say, I do so much else for them! I gave birth to them – I gave them life! Isn’t that good enough?! You know how ridiculous this sounds, so why apply this same argument to marriage? Because you are. You gotta feed and nurture marriage, and if you don’t, don’t be surprised when it dies.
Your husband isn’t the only one to blame. He has issues, but so do you. In fact, there are probably large looming issues that contributed more to his infidelity that you’re even willing to admit. Would it be fair to say that you are partially to blame? It would. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but take the damn medicine. It’s good for you. Because if you do:
You’ll get over it. Those of us who have worked through our shit do. What’s the saying? Unforgiveness is poison you swallow every day hoping someone else will die? I think I mangled that phrase, but you get my point. If you’re still bent out of shape over your ex years later – if you’re still bitter about me, the woman who slept with him – then you still have a lot of work to do. I’m not saying you’re ever gonna like me or not hate me a little, but a healthy person can look back at pain and see their growth from it and be able to look at it a little objectively. At least some parts of it. And if you have no love or compassion for your husband or me, then I’ll say it again, you have work to do.